My heart has been in a state of unrest. For months. My mind has been in perpetual motion for just as long. Constantly and continuously searching for answers that haven’t come. My dad’s cancer has turned my world on it’s side. I have had moments of complete faith & trust, moments of sheer panic & terror, moments of peace and moments of severe anxiety. It’s been a roller coaster.
Last Thursday morning, my dad woke me at 3 AM to tell me he didn’t want to do the surgery that was scheduled for a few hours later. At first I thought he was just afraid and I tried to talk him out of his fear. The hours came and went and we did not head to the hospital. If I am honest, I was furious at him. I was hurt and very confused. But mostly, I was afraid.
Selfishly, I’m not ready to let go of my dad. I want him to meet the children I hope to one day have. I want him to teach them about cowboy culture and make them laugh. I want to see him love them and watch the joy in his eyes that I see now when he is with my niece and nephew. But I also realize, that choice isn’t mine to make. It’s his. That’s one of the hardest truths of my life.
Currently, we are at a bit of a standstill. I am letting him make his next move however he chooses. This is not my decision to make and not my path to choose. I’m learning to embrace that healing is a journey and will have many lane changes and road closures. Respecting his wishes and allowing him to forge the path is something I am coming to terms with. Maturity for me, means leaning into acceptance. Learning that there are things you simply cannot change. I want to live in love and peace for this moment and soak up every moment I have for now. Time is precious. Energy is precious. Health is precious. Peace is precious. Sweet friends, don’t spend your lives angry and bitter, it’s such a waste of energy. Let the things go that you cannot change and pray for peace to find you in that place. I cannot express my gratitude over the outpouring of love and support we have received. Thank you to each and every one of you who has reached out to us. For now we journey on. Much love and grace for the moment sweet friends.
